Hey everyone. Welcome back to the I Thrive at Life podcast. I'm Teresa Starr and this is my handsome husband, Rick. This podcast is part two of our thinking trap podcast. Last time we talked about two thinking traps, catastrophizing and generalizing. That's right. And today we're unpacking two more very common thinking traps that can throw a wrench into the works of our relationships.
The thought traps we're discussing today are mind reading and mental filtering. We'll also explore some antidotes to these cognitive distortions, so stick around. Let's dive into our first thinking trap for today, mind reading. I've just got to say, this actually sounds like a pretty cool thing, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to mind read?
Yeah, well, it's not as cool as it sounds, especially when you consider the challenges it causes in life and in relationships. Mind reading is when you assume that you know, absolutely know, what your partner is thinking without any real evidence or only with minimal evidence. So, it's like this. Say your partner is kind of quiet during dinner and you immediately think, they're mad at me, or They don't love me anymore.
Well, that's kind of like mind reading and catastrophizing all rolled up into a double whammy thinking trap. So to counteract mind reading, get curious, have a conversation where you express your concerns and ask your partner's perspective. Simply say something like, you know, I noticed that you were really quiet during dinner tonight.
I'm just curious, is everything okay? Does it have anything to do with me? No. Quite often they might simply say something like No, it's just been a rough day or, or maybe they're really tired. There's really probably literally hundreds of possibilities why somebody could be quiet at dinnertime. However, our human brains are automatically assume that it has to do with us, causing us to feel that our safety in our relationship is being challenged.
So these are the risks of mind reading. Oh, yeah. I can think of another reason why someone might be quiet at dinnertime. Why is that? Well, maybe they're just trying to figure out what they want to eat for dessert, like ice cream or cookies or both. That's true. The point is, we need to be careful of the mind reading stories we create, especially if we make ourselves out to be the victim and we make our partner out to be the villain.
Yeah, that's not fair. So, for example, let's say you're at work and your boss delegates one of his big projects off from his plate and onto yours. It would be easy to think, what a lazy bum. He's dumping all of his tough jobs onto me and then he's going to take all the credit for himself. Our brains really go to town with mind reading.
Oh yeah. Instead of assuming the worst about the other person and making up a story, it's much better to respectfully ask for clarification. More often than not, we'll find out that our perceptions were way off from reality. And it's really not right to accuse someone else of being guilty of a story that we actually created in our minds.
Sometimes we even try to mind read based on the slightest little bit of body language evidence, which really isn't fair to the other person. Like when you get your hair cut and you ask your partner if they like it. Well, they might even say yes to that. But that subtle look on their face has you convinced that they are lying and they actually don't like it at all.
Well, that, my friends, is mind reading. It's like you think you have a window into the other person's brain and you know for sure what they're thinking, but you really don't. You're only guessing. Instead of thinking, he hates my haircut, you simply ask about the little moment that caused you concern. You could say something like.
I could be wrong, but when I asked you if you liked my new hairstyle, I thought I noticed a little subtle expression on your face, and it looked like you really didn't. Well, more often than not, you'll find that the story in your head doesn't match their reality. There could be a whole different story for that subtle expression that doesn't have anything to do with you, or maybe it really wasn't even there in the first place.
That's right. And even if it was there, We just don't need to get hung up on those little petty details, right? By the way, I've always liked your haircuts. Oh, you're so kind. Just so you know. Thank you. So the antidote to mind reading is simply reminding yourself that there's no such thing as mind reading.
Yep. Once you get used to the idea that mind reading is flawed, you might even choose not to inquire about subtle things like when your partner had a subtle expression that you were trying to interpret or when your partner hesitates to answer whether or not they like your haircut. As we've said before, some thinking traps are best just noticed and then named and then without making a big deal of it, simply moving on.
When we realize it's just a thought in our own head, we don't even really need to bring it up. That is so true. And if you do suspect that you are mind reading and you try to let it go, but the thought keeps popping up in your head, then go ahead and ask a non judgmental question so you can gain the clarity you need and then move on.
That might sound something like this. Hey, this might be my own interpretation, but when I asked if you liked my haircut, it seemed to me that you hesitated for a second. It probably doesn't even mean anything. However, your hesitation caused me to To sort of make up a story and then I started wondering if you really did like my haircut.
No, no, no. I loved your haircut. It's beautiful. Thank you. Yep. Thank you. See how that gave me a chance to clarify on my side and to reassure. And I, and the part on my side needs to not come In a way of saying, Hey, I saw you. That looked like you were, you didn't like my haircut. It's really better to say it's probably just me.
I probably made up a story in my head, but I did wonder what that look meant. So you're not even saying you don't like my haircut. Sometimes you could just say, what, what did that mean? Or was that related to me at all? So that they don't feel that you're judging them and that it's better. If they don't think that you have made up a story, even if you have, Just try to minimize it so that it doesn't start an argument.
That's a great idea. And then the partner can clarify what's really going on in their head. They might say something like, Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to hesitate. I guess I'm just worried about something that happened at work yesterday. And that goes back to the idea that we often think that the other person's reactions are all about us.
When often, they've got lots of other things weighing on their mind. We don't need to assume that it's something bad about us. So, to summarize, mind reading is often inaccurate. Don't let your mind misinterpret other people's actions. And don't let your brain create a big story just based on the mind reading that's going on in your head.
It's best to either let it go Or seek clarification in a very nonjudgmental or a non accusatory way. That's right. Great points. And here's one more mind reading trap that we need to be careful not to get stuck in. This one happens when we expect the other person to read our mind. And if they can't, then it's time to punish them with a silence treatment, right?
Have I ever done that? Never. Mind reading is not a real thing. I mean, we do it. We think we're doing it, but we're never really getting the mind reading accurate. So it's good to try to be sensitive to each other's thoughts, feelings, and needs and wants, but it's not fair to expect the other person to read our minds.
And it's especially not fair to punish them when they don't read our minds like we think they should. That's right. So the two types of mind reading we'd need to eliminate from our relationships are First, When we think we can read other people's minds or motives, and then we create a story that often assigns an unhealthy motive to the other person, pretty much labeling them as the villain in our story.
While we make ourselves the victim, I know, right? We assume we know what they're thinking, and then we get annoyed with them. It's totally not fair. Totally not fair. Or, the second type of mind reading is when we assume that the other person should know what we're thinking and feeling and we're mad at them and accuse them of being insensitive simply because they can't read our mind.
And again, it's totally unfair and unhealthy for any and all relationships. So the first piece of the solution is to agree that no one is a mind reader and that's the best to just go with the good old fashioned and respectful communication. And then with kindness, ask curious questions and be willing to have those crucial conversations where we speak open and honestly about our thoughts and our feelings.
In future podcasts, we'll share some winning conversation strategies that will help you communicate openly with curiosity and kindness. But for now, just remember no more mind reading, no mind reading. Our second and final thinking trap for today is It's mental filtering, which is like wearing gloom goggles that only let you see the negative aspects of your partner while filtering out the positives.
Your partner could do a hundred things right, but if they do one little thing wrong, that's all you can see. Yeah, like when your partner does the dishes and mows the lawn and even gets the kids to bed. But instead of noticing all of those good things that they've done, you get stuck on the fact that they forgot to take out the recycling bin to the street.
Well, what's the solution? Well, it starts with taking off those gloom goggles of ingratitude and starting to make a deliberate effort to notice the positive daily practices of your partner and all of their efforts to To help others and to show up in your relationship. That's right. And nobody's going to be perfect.
So we really can't expect our partner to be perfect. So to help you develop a habit of noticing more good in your partner, you can try this activity at the end of each day. Write down at least three things that you appreciate about your partner and it can really help balance your awareness and bring in a little more positivity into your perspective and to build more satisfaction and joy in your relationship.
And don't just keep all that good stuff in in your journal. Set the intention to take time to tell your partner what you've noticed and express appreciation in person or even in writing. That's right. So how can couples practice escaping these thinking traps together? Try a mindful awareness exercise.
Sit down with your partner and share your concerns without judgment or assumptions. Just listen, reflect, and validate each other's feelings. It's amazing how this can open up communication and deepen your connection. It's about being present with each other, acknowledging your thoughts and your feelings, and then consciously, Choosing to step back and see the bigger picture.
So whatever thinking trap you find yourself in, whether it be catastrophizing, mind reading or generalizing or mental filtering or others, which there are a lot of others, there are, we'll, we'll get to those later, later, but be willing to notice it. Name it, and then navigate into more accurate thoughts and more positive outcomes.
Yes, and then choose thoughts that serve you and your relationships better, so that you can show up in life and in your relationships as the best version of you. Well, that's our time for today. Practice these antidotes and mindful awareness exercises to keep your relationship strong and healthy, so that you and your relationships can truly thrive.
Thank you so much for joining us on I Thrive at Life. Until next time, remember to thrive on, and we'll see you next time.
The thought traps we're discussing today are mind reading and mental filtering. We'll also explore some antidotes to these cognitive distortions, so stick around. Let's dive into our first thinking trap for today, mind reading. I've just got to say, this actually sounds like a pretty cool thing, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to mind read?
Yeah, well, it's not as cool as it sounds, especially when you consider the challenges it causes in life and in relationships. Mind reading is when you assume that you know, absolutely know, what your partner is thinking without any real evidence or only with minimal evidence. So, it's like this. Say your partner is kind of quiet during dinner and you immediately think, they're mad at me, or They don't love me anymore.
Well, that's kind of like mind reading and catastrophizing all rolled up into a double whammy thinking trap. So to counteract mind reading, get curious, have a conversation where you express your concerns and ask your partner's perspective. Simply say something like, you know, I noticed that you were really quiet during dinner tonight.
I'm just curious, is everything okay? Does it have anything to do with me? No. Quite often they might simply say something like No, it's just been a rough day or, or maybe they're really tired. There's really probably literally hundreds of possibilities why somebody could be quiet at dinnertime. However, our human brains are automatically assume that it has to do with us, causing us to feel that our safety in our relationship is being challenged.
So these are the risks of mind reading. Oh, yeah. I can think of another reason why someone might be quiet at dinnertime. Why is that? Well, maybe they're just trying to figure out what they want to eat for dessert, like ice cream or cookies or both. That's true. The point is, we need to be careful of the mind reading stories we create, especially if we make ourselves out to be the victim and we make our partner out to be the villain.
Yeah, that's not fair. So, for example, let's say you're at work and your boss delegates one of his big projects off from his plate and onto yours. It would be easy to think, what a lazy bum. He's dumping all of his tough jobs onto me and then he's going to take all the credit for himself. Our brains really go to town with mind reading.
Oh yeah. Instead of assuming the worst about the other person and making up a story, it's much better to respectfully ask for clarification. More often than not, we'll find out that our perceptions were way off from reality. And it's really not right to accuse someone else of being guilty of a story that we actually created in our minds.
Sometimes we even try to mind read based on the slightest little bit of body language evidence, which really isn't fair to the other person. Like when you get your hair cut and you ask your partner if they like it. Well, they might even say yes to that. But that subtle look on their face has you convinced that they are lying and they actually don't like it at all.
Well, that, my friends, is mind reading. It's like you think you have a window into the other person's brain and you know for sure what they're thinking, but you really don't. You're only guessing. Instead of thinking, he hates my haircut, you simply ask about the little moment that caused you concern. You could say something like.
I could be wrong, but when I asked you if you liked my new hairstyle, I thought I noticed a little subtle expression on your face, and it looked like you really didn't. Well, more often than not, you'll find that the story in your head doesn't match their reality. There could be a whole different story for that subtle expression that doesn't have anything to do with you, or maybe it really wasn't even there in the first place.
That's right. And even if it was there, We just don't need to get hung up on those little petty details, right? By the way, I've always liked your haircuts. Oh, you're so kind. Just so you know. Thank you. So the antidote to mind reading is simply reminding yourself that there's no such thing as mind reading.
Yep. Once you get used to the idea that mind reading is flawed, you might even choose not to inquire about subtle things like when your partner had a subtle expression that you were trying to interpret or when your partner hesitates to answer whether or not they like your haircut. As we've said before, some thinking traps are best just noticed and then named and then without making a big deal of it, simply moving on.
When we realize it's just a thought in our own head, we don't even really need to bring it up. That is so true. And if you do suspect that you are mind reading and you try to let it go, but the thought keeps popping up in your head, then go ahead and ask a non judgmental question so you can gain the clarity you need and then move on.
That might sound something like this. Hey, this might be my own interpretation, but when I asked if you liked my haircut, it seemed to me that you hesitated for a second. It probably doesn't even mean anything. However, your hesitation caused me to To sort of make up a story and then I started wondering if you really did like my haircut.
No, no, no. I loved your haircut. It's beautiful. Thank you. Yep. Thank you. See how that gave me a chance to clarify on my side and to reassure. And I, and the part on my side needs to not come In a way of saying, Hey, I saw you. That looked like you were, you didn't like my haircut. It's really better to say it's probably just me.
I probably made up a story in my head, but I did wonder what that look meant. So you're not even saying you don't like my haircut. Sometimes you could just say, what, what did that mean? Or was that related to me at all? So that they don't feel that you're judging them and that it's better. If they don't think that you have made up a story, even if you have, Just try to minimize it so that it doesn't start an argument.
That's a great idea. And then the partner can clarify what's really going on in their head. They might say something like, Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to hesitate. I guess I'm just worried about something that happened at work yesterday. And that goes back to the idea that we often think that the other person's reactions are all about us.
When often, they've got lots of other things weighing on their mind. We don't need to assume that it's something bad about us. So, to summarize, mind reading is often inaccurate. Don't let your mind misinterpret other people's actions. And don't let your brain create a big story just based on the mind reading that's going on in your head.
It's best to either let it go Or seek clarification in a very nonjudgmental or a non accusatory way. That's right. Great points. And here's one more mind reading trap that we need to be careful not to get stuck in. This one happens when we expect the other person to read our mind. And if they can't, then it's time to punish them with a silence treatment, right?
Have I ever done that? Never. Mind reading is not a real thing. I mean, we do it. We think we're doing it, but we're never really getting the mind reading accurate. So it's good to try to be sensitive to each other's thoughts, feelings, and needs and wants, but it's not fair to expect the other person to read our minds.
And it's especially not fair to punish them when they don't read our minds like we think they should. That's right. So the two types of mind reading we'd need to eliminate from our relationships are First, When we think we can read other people's minds or motives, and then we create a story that often assigns an unhealthy motive to the other person, pretty much labeling them as the villain in our story.
While we make ourselves the victim, I know, right? We assume we know what they're thinking, and then we get annoyed with them. It's totally not fair. Totally not fair. Or, the second type of mind reading is when we assume that the other person should know what we're thinking and feeling and we're mad at them and accuse them of being insensitive simply because they can't read our mind.
And again, it's totally unfair and unhealthy for any and all relationships. So the first piece of the solution is to agree that no one is a mind reader and that's the best to just go with the good old fashioned and respectful communication. And then with kindness, ask curious questions and be willing to have those crucial conversations where we speak open and honestly about our thoughts and our feelings.
In future podcasts, we'll share some winning conversation strategies that will help you communicate openly with curiosity and kindness. But for now, just remember no more mind reading, no mind reading. Our second and final thinking trap for today is It's mental filtering, which is like wearing gloom goggles that only let you see the negative aspects of your partner while filtering out the positives.
Your partner could do a hundred things right, but if they do one little thing wrong, that's all you can see. Yeah, like when your partner does the dishes and mows the lawn and even gets the kids to bed. But instead of noticing all of those good things that they've done, you get stuck on the fact that they forgot to take out the recycling bin to the street.
Well, what's the solution? Well, it starts with taking off those gloom goggles of ingratitude and starting to make a deliberate effort to notice the positive daily practices of your partner and all of their efforts to To help others and to show up in your relationship. That's right. And nobody's going to be perfect.
So we really can't expect our partner to be perfect. So to help you develop a habit of noticing more good in your partner, you can try this activity at the end of each day. Write down at least three things that you appreciate about your partner and it can really help balance your awareness and bring in a little more positivity into your perspective and to build more satisfaction and joy in your relationship.
And don't just keep all that good stuff in in your journal. Set the intention to take time to tell your partner what you've noticed and express appreciation in person or even in writing. That's right. So how can couples practice escaping these thinking traps together? Try a mindful awareness exercise.
Sit down with your partner and share your concerns without judgment or assumptions. Just listen, reflect, and validate each other's feelings. It's amazing how this can open up communication and deepen your connection. It's about being present with each other, acknowledging your thoughts and your feelings, and then consciously, Choosing to step back and see the bigger picture.
So whatever thinking trap you find yourself in, whether it be catastrophizing, mind reading or generalizing or mental filtering or others, which there are a lot of others, there are, we'll, we'll get to those later, later, but be willing to notice it. Name it, and then navigate into more accurate thoughts and more positive outcomes.
Yes, and then choose thoughts that serve you and your relationships better, so that you can show up in life and in your relationships as the best version of you. Well, that's our time for today. Practice these antidotes and mindful awareness exercises to keep your relationship strong and healthy, so that you and your relationships can truly thrive.
Thank you so much for joining us on I Thrive at Life. Until next time, remember to thrive on, and we'll see you next time.