Rick: Welcome back to the "I Thrive at Life" podcast! I’m RICK Starr, here with my wife, Teresa
Teresa: Hi everyone! On today’s podcast we’re thinking about and talking about the power of our thoughts. They can either make us, or break us, depending on the types of thoughts we choose to think. And if you’re familiar with our ITHRIVE framework, you know that managing our thoughts and cultivating healthy mindsets are super important to creating a life of thriving that you (and we) all want to build.
Rick. So true, Our brains are crazy thought machines, churning out one thought after another all day long, and even through the night. Some studies show that we think over 12,000 thoughts in one day. And out of those 12,000, what percentage of those thoughts do you think are negative? I hate to tell you this but researchers believe it to be 80%.
Teresa. Wow, so that means only 20% are positive?!
Rick: That’s right. And it really is okay that we have negative thoughts from time to time, simply because we’re human and sometimes hard things happen in life. So naturally, you’re going to have negative thoughts now and then. But here’s the thing, if you get stuck in those negative thoughts and they start causing depression, undo fear, worry, and anxiety, or if they start causing you to have contention in your relationships, it’s a good idea to have a few tools on board to be able to better manage and reframe those thoughts so that we can move forward in life.
Teresa: The first step to getting unstuck is to notice and gain awareness of our thoughts. We call this process “notice, name, and navigate.” In other words, notice the thought you’re having and as you do, don’t judge yourself, just notice with kindness. Then name it. This might sound like, “Hmmm, I’m noticing that I’m thinking that my partner is mad at me.” And it’s important to remember, that just because I had that thought, doesn’t mean it’s true. Once you take time to mindfully notice your thought and name it, then it’s time to navigate what to do with the thought, so that it doesn’t sabotage your relationship in the moment.
Rick. As you begin to mindfully and intentionally notice your thoughts, you might begin to see that some of our human thoughts are inaccurate, even distorted. It’s those distorted thoughts (also known as cognitive distortions) that really get us in trouble.
Teresa. That’s right, cognitive distortions are the type of thoughts that get us stuck and cause problems for us in our relationships and other daily life events. We often call them “Thinking traps” because they hold us stuck, usually in mindsets and circumstances that we don’t want to be in.
Rick: So, in today’s episode we’ll be unpacking 2 common thinking traps that can throw a wrench into the works of our relationships (in our marriage, in our families, with our friends, and in the workplace): There are many different thinking traps but today we’ll talk about these three: catastrophizing, mindreading, and mental filtering. We'll also explore some antidotes to these cognitive distortions, so stick around.
Teresa: Let's start with catastrophizing. This is my favorite (it’s kind of a “love-hate” relationship actually). But anyway, This thinking trap is like a little "disaster" movie director of our minds. It turns any mistake, disagreement, or misstep into a full-blown catastrophe. It’s the queen of drama, taking a small event, and imagining the absolute worst-case scenario and then letting it grow bigger and bigger.
Rick: Yeah, You got it, Rick! Let's dive in with OUR FIRST THINKING TRAP: catastrophizing. It's like you're having a picnic, and one ant shows up, and suddenly you're screaming, "We’re under attack by a swarm!" In reality, it's just one tiny ant.
Teresa: Oh yeah, I may have been guilty of that one. Here’s another one, let’s say your partner forgets to pay a bill, and you immediately think, “This is it; we’re going to spiral into debt, ruin our credit, and never ever, ever, ever recover!”
Rick: Or when your driving somewhere and you notice your gas tank is almost on empty. There’s not really anything you can do but keep driving to the next gas station. But as you’re driving there, your mind starts to create a disaster movie out of it. Maybe you start imagining yourself actually running out of gas, then stuck on the side of the road all night long, and then you get fired from your job because you don’t show up to work the next morning. See how your mind can create a crazy catastrophic story in only a few seconds?
Teresa: Now, we should note that the reason our brains do this, is partly because they are trying to keep us safe. When we first notice the problem, like the bill not getting paid, or the gas tank on empty, it sets off the stress alarm in our brain, and sometimes our brain goes into a little panic trying to figure out how bad things can get, rather than just simply solving the problem at hand.
Rick: So here’s the antidote? Challenge the catastrophe. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen, and how likely is it that the worst-case scenario would even happen?" Usually, the worst is not as likely as we think, and there are steps we can take to prevent or mitigate it.
Teresa: That’s a great idea, just talk to yourself and say, “yeah right, how likely is that to happen?” Or if there’s a slight chance that it could happen, simply set out to prepare for it, and then don’t let your brain create a bigger and bigger problem through continually fretting about it. That may sound easier than it is, but you really can set the intention to stay on top of your thoughts and not let them turn into a catastrophic runaway train. Truthfully, it’s something I have to really work on. But having the awareness of what’s happening, is the first step to easing up on the habit of catastrophizing.
Rick: So what’s the antidote for catastrophizing? Perspective. Take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this situation really as disastrous as I’m making it out to be?" Sometimes, just writing down the facts helps separate what's actually happening from the apocalyptic movie playing in your head. This is especially helpful for those times when our imagination runs wild with all of the crazy catastrophic stories our brain creates.
T: Sometimes our catastrophizing can be really hard to pull out of and we can’t even reason with ourselves. This happens because When our brains get triggered, and our amygdala sends out the alarm, the stress chemicals start flowing, and our reasoning brain (called the prefrontal cortex) sort of goes off line for a bit and instead of creating a reasonable plan to solve the issue at hand, our brain starts to believe the worst case scenario. This is often called an amygdala hijak because the catastrophizing just sort of takes over our thought processes. We talk about this in 2 other episodes, if you’re interested, you can look for the links to those episodes in the show notes.
Rick: Here’s an activity we can all do to pull ourselves out of an amygdala hijack and back into more reasonable thinking. This strategy is called the “worst case, best case, and most likely case.” So when you become aware that you’re catastrophizing, you can recognize that you are actually only thinking about the worst case scenario and your brain is believing it – even though it might be a totally outlandish catastrophizing story. So then, once you gain that awareness, you flip your thoughts completely in the opposite direction by asking yourself, “Ok, so if that’s the worst case, what is the absolutely best case?” And when you answer that question, you want to make it the most incredible thing you could ever think of, even in your wildest and most exciting dreams.
Teresa: Yea, so here’s what that could look like. In the case of your partner forgetting to pay a bill and your worst-case catastrophizing scenario is that you’ll ruin your credit and maybe even go bankrupt. Then you choose the absolute best scenario you can dream up for the best case, like maybe a long-lost relative pays all of your bills for you and then sends you a check for a hundred million dollars!
Rick: When you do this, your brain might say to you, “yeah right, like that would really happen!” And that’s the moment when your brain says, “oh yeah, so if this thought is unlikely to happen, so is my catastrophizing thought. Both thoughts are totally extreme!” At that point, your brain is ready for reality and then you can ask yourself, “what is most likely?” then you can answer something like, “Most likely, I might get fined a late fee, but we’ll get back on track and things will work out just fine.”
Teresa: Another antidote for catastrophizing is to catch the thought and then decide not to take yourself too seriously. See if you can find any humor in the situation.
Or at least give yourself a little reality check-in with your mental disaster film director or your inner drama queen. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, "Am I predicting a epic blockbuster disaster from a little blooper?" If we keep a little humor about those doomsday predictions, soon they'll start to lose their power. You can even laugh with yourself and say, “Come on brain, don’t be so dramatic, things are going to be fine. We’ve got this.”
Rick: That’s a great plan! But whatever you do, please don’t say that to your partner, “don’t be so dramatic!” And don’t accuse them of being a disaster film director.
Teresa: Oh, you’re right! Those thoughts are best left unsaid!!
Now let’s move on to those the Generalizing thinking trap. This is when you use absolutes like: "always" and "never." As in, "You never listen to me" or "You always leave your socks on the floor."
Rick: Yeah, I may or may not be guilty of that last one. Sorry, honey!
Teresa: The key here is to look for exceptions. Instead of "never," consider "sometimes" or "often." It sounds less accusatory and more like something you can work on together.
Rick: That sounds a lot less like a sentence and more like an invitation to problem-solve. I like it!
Teresa: As for what couples can do to avoid these traps, I love the "Thinking Trap Takedown" game.
Rick: Ooh, tell me more!
Teresa: Whenever you catch each other or even yourself falling into a thinking trap, you point it out, but here’s the kicker – you do it with humor. Maybe with a silly code word or a funny gesture.
Rick: That’s great! It turns a potential argument into a teamwork exercise. Plus, laughter is always the best medicine.
Teresa: Another idea is the "Evidence Board." When you find yourself spiraling, sit down together and write out what evidence you have for the catastrophe you're envisioning or the 'always/never' scenario you're stewing over.
Rick: Like detectives sorting out facts from fiction, right?
Teresa: Exactly! It's a fantastic way to get clarity.
Rick: Let's not forget about "Flip the Script," where you rewrite your catastrophic narrative or absolute statement into something positive.
Teresa: For instance, "We’re going to be late, and the evening will be ruined," becomes, "We might be a little late, but we’ll still enjoy our night out."
Rick: And "You always forget to call me," can become, "I feel appreciated when you remember to call."
Teresa: Small tweaks in language, big leaps in understanding and empathy.
Rick: We hope you folks at home will try some of these strategies. Remember, the goal is not to win the argument but to win at understanding each other better.
Teresa: Absolutely, Rick. It’s all about growing together and supporting each other. That's the essence of thriving!
Rick: So, until next time, catch yourselves before you fall into those thinking traps, and remember, it’s about thriving, not just surviving.
Teresa: That’s right, Rick. And if all else fails, imagine us making goofy faces at you every time you catastrophize or generalize!
Rick: If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is! Thanks for joining us, folks. We’ll see you next time on "I Thrive at Life." Keep thriving and keep smiling!