Hi, everyone. We are Teresa and Rick Starr, and this is the I Thrive It Life podcast. Today's podcast is called Back Off Buddy. It's about the amygdala hijack. And if you don't know what that is, hang in with us for a minute and you'll soon know what it is and what you can do about it in your own life.
That's right. We'll start with a story. This is a story that happened to me when I was a new employee at a company and we were doing some work for another department. Well, it just so happened that the person that I reported to in the other department about this project, well, first of all, I was new, so I was very uninformed about the scope of this project. I didn't really know a lot about what was going on, but there was this person in the other department, not the person I reported to, who demanded that I provide him with what the risks were, what the scope was, and what the timeline was. I hadn't even had a chance to get my mind around what the project was supposed to look like and what the deliverable was.
So I was very frustrated. He kept sending me emails and whenever I'd run into him, he would ask me, what are the risks? What's the timeline? And, and he just kept going on and on and he just wouldn't give me the space I needed to get a foundational knowledge of this project.
One day, it was lunchtime, and I was headed off to lunch, and I ran into him. And of course, at lunchtime, it's very busy, right? And everybody's a little bit hangry. I was. But anyway, he hit me again with this right in public in front of people getting on and off the elevators, and I was so frustrated with him at that point because he just wouldn't give me the space I needed.
And in a pretty loud voice, I said, Back off, buddy. I need you to give me time to get my mind around what's going on with this project. Because there's a lot of people involved in what's going on. Basically, it set him back on his heels. He was a little surprised with my reaction to his request.
So, that was an example of me finally getting to the point where it was like, you know, that fight or flight thing that happens when your amygdala just gets triggered and you're either going to fight, which was what I was ready to do at that point, or freeze or run away. So, that's the story that happened to me on that day.
And that's why the name of this podcast title is back off, buddy. So we're just curious. Have you ever had a time when something set you off and you lost control of your emotions? And then you found yourself yelling or saying something really mean and hateful to someone, maybe even someone that you really care about, like family member or a friend or a respected coworker.
And maybe in the heat of the moment, you even somehow felt justified. I did that day. Yeah, I felt super justified. And then maybe a few minutes later, or even an hour later, once you've calmed down, you find yourself mortified at the thought of the horrible things you said, or maybe that you yelled at this guy right out there in public with everybody watching and getting ready for a fight, right?
But it's terrible when, when we have this remorse that comes over us later and we're like, ah, what have I done? Right. And when we finally come to our senses, we're just like, I can't believe I said that. Or, why did I act that way in front of everybody? And that's not how I really feel about this person.
But what was surprising is it's not like me in public, to just shout out at somebody, but I was at that level of frustration that I just was triggered. When Rick first told me the story of back off, buddy, I was in shock because I don't think he's ever done that in public.
He's, he's pretty even keeled most of the time. And you know, I was just like, what in the world would cause him to have this complete change in his personality? Well, there's a name for it. As we mentioned, it's called amygdala hijack and Daniel Goldman, author of the book, Emotional Intelligence., Why it can matter more than IQ.
That's the name of the book, Emotional Intelligence, Why it can matter more than IQ. He came up with the name and it seems to have stuck in the world of psychology, this amygdala hijack. So we're going to explain what it is and what it means and why it happens in just a minute. But I think everybody can relate to this.
Totally. Everybody who's listening right now, I bet you've had some experience with the amygdala hijack. So if this amygdala hijack has happened to you, just know that it happens to everyone at some time or another. No one likes to admit it, but it's normal. It's a very normal human response. Unfortunately, it sometimes is not the best response.
Most of the time it's not the best response. Yeah, sometimes I mean if you're in danger, it can be very helpful, but it can also be very damaging to relationships if you're not in control. But, the good news is that we can learn skills to show up in a better way, even when our amygdala gets triggered.
Another person might push our buttons, but we can actually learn to choose whether or not we get triggered. It takes practice, lots and lots of practice. Yet with a few tools in our emotional resilience toolbox, we can learn how to respond in a way that is more in line with our values and much more effective when we're trying to build good relationships.
And here's the sad thing about this story that you did not mean to do, but. The guy, how, how long after the guy actually quit? Yeah. I think he was so frustrated that he actually quit, which is sad. I shouldn't be laughing because, you know, from Rick's perspective, like you really felt attacked and, um, and so you just lashed out that amygdala hijack thing happened.
And, and yet who knows what was going on in his mind? Like he might've been, You know having his own fight flight or freeze and apparently he he decided to fly to take flight He took he took off. He took flight and he actually quit which is is kind of sad. I don't think it's well I think he had another job that he went to yeah, and I don't think it's all your fault But it just goes I guess the point I'm trying to make is we all have our own inner things going on And so when we allow that amygdala hijack to happen We have no idea what it could be doing to the other person.
Um, in this case, maybe we kind of feel like the guy had it coming, but that's another story, but so often this happens when. that person really doesn't have it coming. And it can be really tragic for relationships, especially, you know, um, close relationships can, can have a big barrier put up from then on that we might be spending years and years trying to overcome just from allowing that amygdala hijack to take over.
Yeah, it's much better to step back and get your thoughts around things before you react before you respond, respond or react. Responding is better than reacting, I think. So let's take a little deeper dive. What exactly does amygdala hijack mean and what can you do not to get stuck in it? Some people use the term triggered when they're really talking about the amygdala hijack, also known, as we said, as the fight, flight, or freeze response, or the stress response.
Um, you might remember learning about the fight, flight, or freeze response when you were a kid, but we don't really talk enough about it, and I think that's what we're trying to do here, is just to help people understand a little bit more about what it is, what you can do about it, to protect your relationships.
I think ultimately that's the most important thing is to protect your relationships and even to protect your future. I mean, you wouldn't want to lose a job because of an amygdala hijack or an overreactive reaction. Yeah. So anytime you feel threatened in any way, your stress response is activated. and flood your body with stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline.
This system is actually meant to protect us from physical danger, and it often does. This fight, flight, or freeze response is most helpful when you need protection from a physical threat, especially when your life depends on it. Have you ever had a time when you may have been crossing the street and all of a sudden you see a huge truck coming right at you?
And fearful that they can't see you, you suddenly shift into high gear and begin to run to the safety of the curb at such a high speed that you're not even sure how you got there so fast. Well, the problem in our day is that our brain often sees psychological stressors and social stressors as a threat.
So the, the big truck coming down the street, that's a real threat, and we're really glad that we have that. you know, fight, flight or freeze response to get us out of harm's way. But when it's a psychological stressor or a social stressor, That's when we need to sort of take a minute and assess what's really happening.
Our senses send a message to our brain that we might be in danger, and so then the amygdala, uh, releases stress hormones, which can make it feel like we have no choice but to fight, run, or freeze. Um, for example, maybe it's the end of a long work day, and you just want to relax, and your husband or wife calls to you, and, uh, Tells you that they've invited a co worker over for dinner.
Oh, how lovely, right? Surprise! Unexpectedly, and you're just like totally ready to relax at the end of a busy day. And no, you've got to get ready because you've got company coming, right? And, um, they're expecting to have a nice meal. Or maybe your child, here's another one, maybe your child stepped in mud.
Or worse, they track it all over the house. And you're expecting this company. Or here's another one, maybe. Someone cut you off on the freeway. On the way home. Yep. And it almost causes a collision at high speed. Well, these situations, all of these situations, and many, many more, so many different varieties of things that could send us into a fight, flight, freeze response, um, but that freeze can happen when you're in a work meeting or suddenly you get called unexpectedly and your brain totally freezes.
You can't even think about what to say. You put on the spot. Yeah. Have you ever had that? Like you're just sitting there in a meeting and all of a sudden someone calls you and say, what do you think about? And you're like. Right, where somebody approaches you at the elevators at lunchtime and demands that you give them information.
Your brain is like, it just turns off. It's crazy. And that's the freeze part of the response. Well, you might be asking if our stress response is supposed to protect us from threat, why do we find ourselves saying and doing things that are so unhelpful in these social situations where we're triggered?
Well, here's a little brain science on why we fight or yell or run away or avoid or totally freeze when we experience psychological threat. Whenever our senses pick up sensory information, it first goes to the thalamus, which then sends a message to our prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking and reasoning part of our brain, and from there, the message goes to the emotional center, called the amygdala.
If the thalamus senses a threat, it sends the information to both the neocortex and the amygdala. If the amygdala sees the information as a threat, it instantly flips into fight, flight, or freeze response before the prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking part of your brain, can stop it. That's why it's called the amygdala hijack, because it's so instantaneous and because when the stress response kicks in, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released all throughout your body.
At that point, less blood flow is going to your prefrontal cortex because our brain is trying to conserve it as it prepares to flee or fight. So most of it's going to your body so that you can be prepared for the fight or the fleeing. So with our thinking and reasoning brain compromised, it's no wonder that we say and do things that we later regret.
You know the phrase, I wasn't in my right mind, is so true. In order to think clearly, we need to be in our prefrontal cortex. But when the amygdala hijacks the blood and oxygen supply and takes over, then we really aren't in our right mind. And our prefrontal cortex, Could have reasoned us out of yelling, right?
Our, you know, our prefrontal cortex would probably have told you, Hey, don't do that in front of all these people. You can send him an email and ask him to give you some space, right? But when that prefrontal cortex is shut down, and you can't think clearly, there's that amygdala hijack happening, it shuts off that prefrontal cortex, and off you go, into the fight, flight, or freeze.
Um, you know, and, and you might find yourself yelling or saying mean things or throwing a tantrum. Um, but our prefrontal cortex, it, it can help us. It can help us to remember the speech we've prepared. Like if we're giving a speech and suddenly our brain shuts off, we go blank, right? But, but if we can keep our prefrontal cortex on, then we can remember that speech we've prepared or we can act more calm when somebody triggers us, right?
So as in my case, sometimes we see our coworkers as a threat. The way he approached me, right? And so, um, that can cause us to freeze in our tracks, almost as if we were standing in front of a room full of hungry bears. And that's, we either freeze or flight, right? The amygdala is not the bad guy. It's just trying to keep us safe.
We just have to work with it by helping it learn that emotions such as fear or anger are not something it needs to defend us from. Emotions are felt as sensations in our body. We can learn to allow ourselves to experience emotions as we first notice them, name them, and then navigate them without turning off our prefrontal cortex.
That's such a great plan. It's just easier said than done. Yeah, it takes practice. We've got some ideas for how you can practice. Thanks. So how do we prevent amygdala hijack or how do we keep it at bay or at very least, how do we overcome it so that we don't find ourselves running out of work meetings or screaming at our kids or threatening to leave our partner or what not?
Not that I would do that, but I'm just saying there's all these things people do, um, when they're triggered and when that amygdala hijack happens and it's all because of just something small. It's usually like they say that the the straw that breaks the camel's back. It often happens things are building up and then one more thing pushes us over the edge and off it goes.
So here's, here's one thing we can do is we can learn to take a time out. We're going to give you a list of a few things for when you find yourself in that fight, flight or freeze response. So taking a break or just pressing pause. Right, so taking a break or taking a pause, doing some relaxed breathing, or some people call it deep belly breathing, and it's where you inhale to the count of five, and then you exhale to the count of eight.
So let's just practice for a second. Okay, inhale, count of five, exhale to the count of eight. The important thing is that the exhale is longer than the inhale. And you don't want to feel it in your chest. You actually want to feel it in your stomach so that when you're exhaling, you're actually stimulating the vagus nerve, which then, which is way down deep.
And that then activates the relaxation response, which then begins to calm your stress response. And it seems so simple. Okay. And yet it is so incredibly powerful. I, you know, you used to hear people say, just breathe and you think whatever, right? Yeah, sure. But it really does work. It's been proven and it's, it's a great tool to have in your toolbox.
So remember you're going to breathe into the count of five, really deep into your belly and then exhale to the count of eight and not just once, but you want to try to do it at least twice. Five and even 10 times if you can, nobody around you will know you're doing it, but it's really going to help you get into that relaxation response to counter the stress response and also to bring that amygdala back to normal.
under control. Settle it down. And then get your prefrontal cortex. Sorry, I should have said amygdala. That's way down in the middle. And then get that calmed down and then get your prefrontal cortex turned back on. And it really does help in a big way. Right, right. And the important thing is to practice this.
Have a daily practice of it. Usually five to ten minutes will, will help you get practiced enough so that you'll know how to, how to, um, call on that tool of breathing when you need it. Yeah, exactly. So practicing it when you don't need it helps you have it. It's like it builds that muscle, instant muscle that you can call upon in the heat of the moment, right?
All right, next tool. Next tool is distraction. Okay, so this is just changing the attention from You know, to whatever the stressor is changing from, from attending to that, to something else, maybe something that you enjoy, um, something that's not as, um, fearful or, or triggering to you, that kind of thing.
Even a simple thing like going for a walk or calling a friend, you know, just really simple things to take you off that track. Right. And just so you know, Most of these many of these come from something called dialectic behavioral therapy And they're just simple tools that you can put in your toolbox to have readily available for whenever you feel yourself getting hijacked Emotionally and distraction is different than avoidance.
Okay, so avoidance is like I don't ever want to deal with something That's hard or I don't want to I don't want to feel the feelings that are, uh, uncomfortable. Distraction is, is momentary. It's, it's, it's dealing with the event or the stressor that's happening immediately to settle down your amygdala, to get back in your prefrontal cortex so that you can deal with the discomfort in a healthy manner.
Yeah, that's a really good point because avoidance, if you continue to avoid something, that just makes the stress get bigger and bigger and bigger because you know deep down you've got to face it. So we're not talking about long term avoidance. We're just talking, as Rick said, about in the moment distraction just to settle down.
your amygdala, settle down your stress response and get back in your right mind or your prefrontal cortex. Right. All right. So here's another one that's going to sound really crazy. But it has been shown to work and you may have even seen this in movies, uh, where you just splash some cold water on your face or put an, an ice pack on your neck.
And this has been shown just to sort of reset things for you. So give it a try sometimes if you, if you feel that maybe something's going on in the family and you're upset. Take a little time out, go in the bathroom, splash some cold water on your face, put a little cool ice pack on your, around your neck, just for a few minutes, and just see if that can help you.
And breathe. And breathe, I mean you could do it all, right? And see if that can help. The next idea is to have a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is basically being in the present without judgment. So it's, it's noticing the emotions that you're having currently, but without judging them, without making them bad or good, but just noticing that they are there, and that they're part of what you're experiencing right now.
It does allow you to kind of step back from them a little bit so that you look objective, objectively at them and, and see them for what they are and maybe get a little bit of distance between you and your emotions so that you can come up with a healthy response that you choose rather than a reaction that you don't choose that's just emotional based.
Yeah, something you don't want, something that will make you regret later, right? And the thing about emotions, um, as you said, not judging ourselves. Sometimes we have an emotion and we get angry and then we judge ourselves for being angry and that just adds more fuel to the fire. So rather than judging ourselves as like, what's wrong with me?
I'm such a bad person. Why am I angry at my child or whatever? That just makes us feel worse. You know, we're human and. Emotions are part of being human. So notice the anger and then do those things to calm the anger or to understand or whatever, but don't add judgment onto it. So just mindful, mindfully being with that in the moment, um, can be helpful rather than adding to your, your own guilt.
Right? Right. Alright, the next one is CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Training. So this is all about noticing our thoughts, and rather than jumping to conclusions, or rather than jumping down someone's throat, we can actually step back and with curiosity ask the question. Hey, what else might be true? Or is there a better way for me to think about this situation?
Or is there a more appropriate way for me to act in this moment? Or how will my outburst affect my relationship in the longterm? You know, what choice can I make that would lead to the outcome I'm hoping for? And how do I want to show up in this situation? Now I know that's a lot of questions to think about when you're hijacked.
So. And the simplest question is just asking yourself, what else might be true? Knowing that it, it might not be what you're thinking because remember when you're triggered, your prefrontal cortex is shut down, but at least if you can have the presence of mind to say what else might be true, it gives you that pause and the recognition that, oh yeah.
I might be triggered right now. Maybe there's a different way to see this. And I love that principle of curiosity, just, uh, just developing that trade of curiosity, which allows you to ask the question, what else might be true? It gives you the, uh, the, uh, the, the mindfulness, I guess, to, To look at what options are available to you and what other reasons they might be happening.
Yeah, and a lot of people might be saying, I've probably said this myself, something like, yeah, right. When I'm triggered, I cannot step back and think about those questions, right? But you really can, with some mindfulness practice, you can get used to stopping in the moment. And really thinking things through.
And that's the very reason we want to build a practice of mindful awareness, where we can get in touch with our emotions and not let our emotions run our life, but then get in touch with them, recognize that they're there, and then choose the way that we want to respond. And hopefully it's a way that does not damage our relationships, but helps us to show up in life and in our relationships as the person that we want to be.
It's not always easy, but it really is doable. So there's a quote by Viktor Frankl, um, who wrote man's search for meaning. And the quote is this, and maybe you've heard it before between stimulus and response, there's a space. And in that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.
And that is so powerful. It's true. That Our growth and happiness depends on the way we respond in life. So we have to kind of seize that space. It usually it's just a split second. But we can choose how we want to show up, right? And it's empowering to know that you can choose how you want to act even when your thoughts and emotions are in hyperdrive because of a stress or because of chemicals running through your body like hormones You can choose to pause and choose to act in a way that will better serve you and those who you want to be Do you want to connect with?
It may not be easy at first, but with practice, it becomes more and more doable. And it's true what you said. Those, those stress hormones of, uh, uh, cortisol and adrenaline, boy, they can really, they get you charged up. They get us charged up. And so it isn't easy, but we can more and more learn to override those, recognize that they're there, but then take a step back and choose how we want to show up.
Right. So this is something that we'll be talking about some more in one of our upcoming podcasts. We'll talk a little bit more about the amygdala hijack and how you can learn to name it and tame it so that you can show up in your relationships and in your life as the best version of you. Thanks for joining us today and we hope to see you next time.
Take care. Bye bye.
That's right. We'll start with a story. This is a story that happened to me when I was a new employee at a company and we were doing some work for another department. Well, it just so happened that the person that I reported to in the other department about this project, well, first of all, I was new, so I was very uninformed about the scope of this project. I didn't really know a lot about what was going on, but there was this person in the other department, not the person I reported to, who demanded that I provide him with what the risks were, what the scope was, and what the timeline was. I hadn't even had a chance to get my mind around what the project was supposed to look like and what the deliverable was.
So I was very frustrated. He kept sending me emails and whenever I'd run into him, he would ask me, what are the risks? What's the timeline? And, and he just kept going on and on and he just wouldn't give me the space I needed to get a foundational knowledge of this project.
One day, it was lunchtime, and I was headed off to lunch, and I ran into him. And of course, at lunchtime, it's very busy, right? And everybody's a little bit hangry. I was. But anyway, he hit me again with this right in public in front of people getting on and off the elevators, and I was so frustrated with him at that point because he just wouldn't give me the space I needed.
And in a pretty loud voice, I said, Back off, buddy. I need you to give me time to get my mind around what's going on with this project. Because there's a lot of people involved in what's going on. Basically, it set him back on his heels. He was a little surprised with my reaction to his request.
So, that was an example of me finally getting to the point where it was like, you know, that fight or flight thing that happens when your amygdala just gets triggered and you're either going to fight, which was what I was ready to do at that point, or freeze or run away. So, that's the story that happened to me on that day.
And that's why the name of this podcast title is back off, buddy. So we're just curious. Have you ever had a time when something set you off and you lost control of your emotions? And then you found yourself yelling or saying something really mean and hateful to someone, maybe even someone that you really care about, like family member or a friend or a respected coworker.
And maybe in the heat of the moment, you even somehow felt justified. I did that day. Yeah, I felt super justified. And then maybe a few minutes later, or even an hour later, once you've calmed down, you find yourself mortified at the thought of the horrible things you said, or maybe that you yelled at this guy right out there in public with everybody watching and getting ready for a fight, right?
But it's terrible when, when we have this remorse that comes over us later and we're like, ah, what have I done? Right. And when we finally come to our senses, we're just like, I can't believe I said that. Or, why did I act that way in front of everybody? And that's not how I really feel about this person.
But what was surprising is it's not like me in public, to just shout out at somebody, but I was at that level of frustration that I just was triggered. When Rick first told me the story of back off, buddy, I was in shock because I don't think he's ever done that in public.
He's, he's pretty even keeled most of the time. And you know, I was just like, what in the world would cause him to have this complete change in his personality? Well, there's a name for it. As we mentioned, it's called amygdala hijack and Daniel Goldman, author of the book, Emotional Intelligence., Why it can matter more than IQ.
That's the name of the book, Emotional Intelligence, Why it can matter more than IQ. He came up with the name and it seems to have stuck in the world of psychology, this amygdala hijack. So we're going to explain what it is and what it means and why it happens in just a minute. But I think everybody can relate to this.
Totally. Everybody who's listening right now, I bet you've had some experience with the amygdala hijack. So if this amygdala hijack has happened to you, just know that it happens to everyone at some time or another. No one likes to admit it, but it's normal. It's a very normal human response. Unfortunately, it sometimes is not the best response.
Most of the time it's not the best response. Yeah, sometimes I mean if you're in danger, it can be very helpful, but it can also be very damaging to relationships if you're not in control. But, the good news is that we can learn skills to show up in a better way, even when our amygdala gets triggered.
Another person might push our buttons, but we can actually learn to choose whether or not we get triggered. It takes practice, lots and lots of practice. Yet with a few tools in our emotional resilience toolbox, we can learn how to respond in a way that is more in line with our values and much more effective when we're trying to build good relationships.
And here's the sad thing about this story that you did not mean to do, but. The guy, how, how long after the guy actually quit? Yeah. I think he was so frustrated that he actually quit, which is sad. I shouldn't be laughing because, you know, from Rick's perspective, like you really felt attacked and, um, and so you just lashed out that amygdala hijack thing happened.
And, and yet who knows what was going on in his mind? Like he might've been, You know having his own fight flight or freeze and apparently he he decided to fly to take flight He took he took off. He took flight and he actually quit which is is kind of sad. I don't think it's well I think he had another job that he went to yeah, and I don't think it's all your fault But it just goes I guess the point I'm trying to make is we all have our own inner things going on And so when we allow that amygdala hijack to happen We have no idea what it could be doing to the other person.
Um, in this case, maybe we kind of feel like the guy had it coming, but that's another story, but so often this happens when. that person really doesn't have it coming. And it can be really tragic for relationships, especially, you know, um, close relationships can, can have a big barrier put up from then on that we might be spending years and years trying to overcome just from allowing that amygdala hijack to take over.
Yeah, it's much better to step back and get your thoughts around things before you react before you respond, respond or react. Responding is better than reacting, I think. So let's take a little deeper dive. What exactly does amygdala hijack mean and what can you do not to get stuck in it? Some people use the term triggered when they're really talking about the amygdala hijack, also known, as we said, as the fight, flight, or freeze response, or the stress response.
Um, you might remember learning about the fight, flight, or freeze response when you were a kid, but we don't really talk enough about it, and I think that's what we're trying to do here, is just to help people understand a little bit more about what it is, what you can do about it, to protect your relationships.
I think ultimately that's the most important thing is to protect your relationships and even to protect your future. I mean, you wouldn't want to lose a job because of an amygdala hijack or an overreactive reaction. Yeah. So anytime you feel threatened in any way, your stress response is activated. and flood your body with stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline.
This system is actually meant to protect us from physical danger, and it often does. This fight, flight, or freeze response is most helpful when you need protection from a physical threat, especially when your life depends on it. Have you ever had a time when you may have been crossing the street and all of a sudden you see a huge truck coming right at you?
And fearful that they can't see you, you suddenly shift into high gear and begin to run to the safety of the curb at such a high speed that you're not even sure how you got there so fast. Well, the problem in our day is that our brain often sees psychological stressors and social stressors as a threat.
So the, the big truck coming down the street, that's a real threat, and we're really glad that we have that. you know, fight, flight or freeze response to get us out of harm's way. But when it's a psychological stressor or a social stressor, That's when we need to sort of take a minute and assess what's really happening.
Our senses send a message to our brain that we might be in danger, and so then the amygdala, uh, releases stress hormones, which can make it feel like we have no choice but to fight, run, or freeze. Um, for example, maybe it's the end of a long work day, and you just want to relax, and your husband or wife calls to you, and, uh, Tells you that they've invited a co worker over for dinner.
Oh, how lovely, right? Surprise! Unexpectedly, and you're just like totally ready to relax at the end of a busy day. And no, you've got to get ready because you've got company coming, right? And, um, they're expecting to have a nice meal. Or maybe your child, here's another one, maybe your child stepped in mud.
Or worse, they track it all over the house. And you're expecting this company. Or here's another one, maybe. Someone cut you off on the freeway. On the way home. Yep. And it almost causes a collision at high speed. Well, these situations, all of these situations, and many, many more, so many different varieties of things that could send us into a fight, flight, freeze response, um, but that freeze can happen when you're in a work meeting or suddenly you get called unexpectedly and your brain totally freezes.
You can't even think about what to say. You put on the spot. Yeah. Have you ever had that? Like you're just sitting there in a meeting and all of a sudden someone calls you and say, what do you think about? And you're like. Right, where somebody approaches you at the elevators at lunchtime and demands that you give them information.
Your brain is like, it just turns off. It's crazy. And that's the freeze part of the response. Well, you might be asking if our stress response is supposed to protect us from threat, why do we find ourselves saying and doing things that are so unhelpful in these social situations where we're triggered?
Well, here's a little brain science on why we fight or yell or run away or avoid or totally freeze when we experience psychological threat. Whenever our senses pick up sensory information, it first goes to the thalamus, which then sends a message to our prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking and reasoning part of our brain, and from there, the message goes to the emotional center, called the amygdala.
If the thalamus senses a threat, it sends the information to both the neocortex and the amygdala. If the amygdala sees the information as a threat, it instantly flips into fight, flight, or freeze response before the prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking part of your brain, can stop it. That's why it's called the amygdala hijack, because it's so instantaneous and because when the stress response kicks in, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released all throughout your body.
At that point, less blood flow is going to your prefrontal cortex because our brain is trying to conserve it as it prepares to flee or fight. So most of it's going to your body so that you can be prepared for the fight or the fleeing. So with our thinking and reasoning brain compromised, it's no wonder that we say and do things that we later regret.
You know the phrase, I wasn't in my right mind, is so true. In order to think clearly, we need to be in our prefrontal cortex. But when the amygdala hijacks the blood and oxygen supply and takes over, then we really aren't in our right mind. And our prefrontal cortex, Could have reasoned us out of yelling, right?
Our, you know, our prefrontal cortex would probably have told you, Hey, don't do that in front of all these people. You can send him an email and ask him to give you some space, right? But when that prefrontal cortex is shut down, and you can't think clearly, there's that amygdala hijack happening, it shuts off that prefrontal cortex, and off you go, into the fight, flight, or freeze.
Um, you know, and, and you might find yourself yelling or saying mean things or throwing a tantrum. Um, but our prefrontal cortex, it, it can help us. It can help us to remember the speech we've prepared. Like if we're giving a speech and suddenly our brain shuts off, we go blank, right? But, but if we can keep our prefrontal cortex on, then we can remember that speech we've prepared or we can act more calm when somebody triggers us, right?
So as in my case, sometimes we see our coworkers as a threat. The way he approached me, right? And so, um, that can cause us to freeze in our tracks, almost as if we were standing in front of a room full of hungry bears. And that's, we either freeze or flight, right? The amygdala is not the bad guy. It's just trying to keep us safe.
We just have to work with it by helping it learn that emotions such as fear or anger are not something it needs to defend us from. Emotions are felt as sensations in our body. We can learn to allow ourselves to experience emotions as we first notice them, name them, and then navigate them without turning off our prefrontal cortex.
That's such a great plan. It's just easier said than done. Yeah, it takes practice. We've got some ideas for how you can practice. Thanks. So how do we prevent amygdala hijack or how do we keep it at bay or at very least, how do we overcome it so that we don't find ourselves running out of work meetings or screaming at our kids or threatening to leave our partner or what not?
Not that I would do that, but I'm just saying there's all these things people do, um, when they're triggered and when that amygdala hijack happens and it's all because of just something small. It's usually like they say that the the straw that breaks the camel's back. It often happens things are building up and then one more thing pushes us over the edge and off it goes.
So here's, here's one thing we can do is we can learn to take a time out. We're going to give you a list of a few things for when you find yourself in that fight, flight or freeze response. So taking a break or just pressing pause. Right, so taking a break or taking a pause, doing some relaxed breathing, or some people call it deep belly breathing, and it's where you inhale to the count of five, and then you exhale to the count of eight.
So let's just practice for a second. Okay, inhale, count of five, exhale to the count of eight. The important thing is that the exhale is longer than the inhale. And you don't want to feel it in your chest. You actually want to feel it in your stomach so that when you're exhaling, you're actually stimulating the vagus nerve, which then, which is way down deep.
And that then activates the relaxation response, which then begins to calm your stress response. And it seems so simple. Okay. And yet it is so incredibly powerful. I, you know, you used to hear people say, just breathe and you think whatever, right? Yeah, sure. But it really does work. It's been proven and it's, it's a great tool to have in your toolbox.
So remember you're going to breathe into the count of five, really deep into your belly and then exhale to the count of eight and not just once, but you want to try to do it at least twice. Five and even 10 times if you can, nobody around you will know you're doing it, but it's really going to help you get into that relaxation response to counter the stress response and also to bring that amygdala back to normal.
under control. Settle it down. And then get your prefrontal cortex. Sorry, I should have said amygdala. That's way down in the middle. And then get that calmed down and then get your prefrontal cortex turned back on. And it really does help in a big way. Right, right. And the important thing is to practice this.
Have a daily practice of it. Usually five to ten minutes will, will help you get practiced enough so that you'll know how to, how to, um, call on that tool of breathing when you need it. Yeah, exactly. So practicing it when you don't need it helps you have it. It's like it builds that muscle, instant muscle that you can call upon in the heat of the moment, right?
All right, next tool. Next tool is distraction. Okay, so this is just changing the attention from You know, to whatever the stressor is changing from, from attending to that, to something else, maybe something that you enjoy, um, something that's not as, um, fearful or, or triggering to you, that kind of thing.
Even a simple thing like going for a walk or calling a friend, you know, just really simple things to take you off that track. Right. And just so you know, Most of these many of these come from something called dialectic behavioral therapy And they're just simple tools that you can put in your toolbox to have readily available for whenever you feel yourself getting hijacked Emotionally and distraction is different than avoidance.
Okay, so avoidance is like I don't ever want to deal with something That's hard or I don't want to I don't want to feel the feelings that are, uh, uncomfortable. Distraction is, is momentary. It's, it's, it's dealing with the event or the stressor that's happening immediately to settle down your amygdala, to get back in your prefrontal cortex so that you can deal with the discomfort in a healthy manner.
Yeah, that's a really good point because avoidance, if you continue to avoid something, that just makes the stress get bigger and bigger and bigger because you know deep down you've got to face it. So we're not talking about long term avoidance. We're just talking, as Rick said, about in the moment distraction just to settle down.
your amygdala, settle down your stress response and get back in your right mind or your prefrontal cortex. Right. All right. So here's another one that's going to sound really crazy. But it has been shown to work and you may have even seen this in movies, uh, where you just splash some cold water on your face or put an, an ice pack on your neck.
And this has been shown just to sort of reset things for you. So give it a try sometimes if you, if you feel that maybe something's going on in the family and you're upset. Take a little time out, go in the bathroom, splash some cold water on your face, put a little cool ice pack on your, around your neck, just for a few minutes, and just see if that can help you.
And breathe. And breathe, I mean you could do it all, right? And see if that can help. The next idea is to have a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is basically being in the present without judgment. So it's, it's noticing the emotions that you're having currently, but without judging them, without making them bad or good, but just noticing that they are there, and that they're part of what you're experiencing right now.
It does allow you to kind of step back from them a little bit so that you look objective, objectively at them and, and see them for what they are and maybe get a little bit of distance between you and your emotions so that you can come up with a healthy response that you choose rather than a reaction that you don't choose that's just emotional based.
Yeah, something you don't want, something that will make you regret later, right? And the thing about emotions, um, as you said, not judging ourselves. Sometimes we have an emotion and we get angry and then we judge ourselves for being angry and that just adds more fuel to the fire. So rather than judging ourselves as like, what's wrong with me?
I'm such a bad person. Why am I angry at my child or whatever? That just makes us feel worse. You know, we're human and. Emotions are part of being human. So notice the anger and then do those things to calm the anger or to understand or whatever, but don't add judgment onto it. So just mindful, mindfully being with that in the moment, um, can be helpful rather than adding to your, your own guilt.
Right? Right. Alright, the next one is CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Training. So this is all about noticing our thoughts, and rather than jumping to conclusions, or rather than jumping down someone's throat, we can actually step back and with curiosity ask the question. Hey, what else might be true? Or is there a better way for me to think about this situation?
Or is there a more appropriate way for me to act in this moment? Or how will my outburst affect my relationship in the longterm? You know, what choice can I make that would lead to the outcome I'm hoping for? And how do I want to show up in this situation? Now I know that's a lot of questions to think about when you're hijacked.
So. And the simplest question is just asking yourself, what else might be true? Knowing that it, it might not be what you're thinking because remember when you're triggered, your prefrontal cortex is shut down, but at least if you can have the presence of mind to say what else might be true, it gives you that pause and the recognition that, oh yeah.
I might be triggered right now. Maybe there's a different way to see this. And I love that principle of curiosity, just, uh, just developing that trade of curiosity, which allows you to ask the question, what else might be true? It gives you the, uh, the, uh, the, the mindfulness, I guess, to, To look at what options are available to you and what other reasons they might be happening.
Yeah, and a lot of people might be saying, I've probably said this myself, something like, yeah, right. When I'm triggered, I cannot step back and think about those questions, right? But you really can, with some mindfulness practice, you can get used to stopping in the moment. And really thinking things through.
And that's the very reason we want to build a practice of mindful awareness, where we can get in touch with our emotions and not let our emotions run our life, but then get in touch with them, recognize that they're there, and then choose the way that we want to respond. And hopefully it's a way that does not damage our relationships, but helps us to show up in life and in our relationships as the person that we want to be.
It's not always easy, but it really is doable. So there's a quote by Viktor Frankl, um, who wrote man's search for meaning. And the quote is this, and maybe you've heard it before between stimulus and response, there's a space. And in that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.
And that is so powerful. It's true. That Our growth and happiness depends on the way we respond in life. So we have to kind of seize that space. It usually it's just a split second. But we can choose how we want to show up, right? And it's empowering to know that you can choose how you want to act even when your thoughts and emotions are in hyperdrive because of a stress or because of chemicals running through your body like hormones You can choose to pause and choose to act in a way that will better serve you and those who you want to be Do you want to connect with?
It may not be easy at first, but with practice, it becomes more and more doable. And it's true what you said. Those, those stress hormones of, uh, uh, cortisol and adrenaline, boy, they can really, they get you charged up. They get us charged up. And so it isn't easy, but we can more and more learn to override those, recognize that they're there, but then take a step back and choose how we want to show up.
Right. So this is something that we'll be talking about some more in one of our upcoming podcasts. We'll talk a little bit more about the amygdala hijack and how you can learn to name it and tame it so that you can show up in your relationships and in your life as the best version of you. Thanks for joining us today and we hope to see you next time.
Take care. Bye bye.