Hi there. Today we're going to explore a powerful communication tool that can transform the way you interact with your partner. It's called A WINRS or A-W-I-N-R-S. It's an acronym that stands for a structured approach or specific steps that you can take to help you have quality conversations and make effective requests.
Communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Learning how to express yourself in a way that's clear, compassionate, and productive is key. The A-W-I-N-R-S approach is rooted in the principles of Nonviolent Communication, and it's designed to help you navigate difficult conversations while keeping your connections strong.
So let's dive into each step and explore how you can apply them in your daily life and in your relationships.
So for example, let's talk about an activity you can do before your next conversation. Take a moment to reflect on what you genuinely appreciate about your partner. Start the conversation by expressing that appreciation and notice how it influences the rest of your discussion. As a couple, set a goal to express appreciation daily, not just when you want something to change.
You always want to express that appreciation with or without any other requests attached, and it can be a simple thank you or a specific acknowledgement of something that they've done.
Please note that it's important for appreciation to be a regular habit and part of your daily communication so that it doesn't always signal that a big complaint is coming up. You don't want it to look like your partner says, "you look nice today" and suddenly, what's up. It's not about that at all. So that's why the appreciation needs to be a constant and regular thing that is just part of your relationship.
But in the AWINRS conversation, always lead with that. So as we said, daily expression of appreciation is key.
This is about being specific, clear, and most importantly, factual. Only state a factual observation, not an evaluation of what you want to discuss.
For example, continuing from the previous scenario, you might say, Hey, I noticed there are still dishes in the sink. Now, it's important to keep that statement as neutral and factual as possible.
Not saying, "Hey, I noticed you didn't do the dishes." That's very accusatory and it will not get you off on the right foot. Or worse. What if you said something like, "Hey, why are you always so lazy?" No, we don't wanna go there. Not at all. Instead, you want to simply state the facts like, "Hey, I noticed there are still dishes in the sink."
We don't know why they haven't done them. So to accuse them of being lazy or something like that is really not even fair. Keep it to the facts. Hey, I noticed there are still dishes in the sink. That's all.
And notice how this last statement is focused on the issue, right? Not on blaming or criticizing the other party or your partner.
Okay? So here's an activity that you can do for the what practice. Framing the facts of the topic of concern in a neutral and clear way. You'll want to avoid using accusatory language and instead focus on describing the situation as objectively as possible. And you can reinforce this by having weekly check-ins where you both bring up any concerns in a very structured and factual way, ensuring that each person has a chance to speak, but you're only naming the facts and not doing any blaming at all.
Name it. Don't blame it. And don't blame them. Right?
For instance, you might say, when I see there are still dishes in the sink, I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated or fill in the blank. Whatever emotions you, you tend to feel, but sharing your feelings without blaming your partner, invites them to empathize with your feelings rather than feeling like they have to defend themselves.
So remember, there was absolutely no blame or shame. You're just stating the facts and how those facts impact your feelings.
All right. Let's have a little activity for the "I". Have a little practice session where you reflect on a recent situation that affected you emotionally, but don't choose anything that's too deep or toxic for this practice session.
Now practice stating the what, which are, what are the facts that you're noticing and its impact on your feelings using I feel statements. Remember to keep the focus on the facts and your feelings rather than on your partner's actions.
This might sound something like, "I noticed there are still dirty dishes in the sink, and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated." Very simple,
You could also consider setting aside time after a heated discussion to revisit the topic when you can be calm and you can share how it impacted your feelings.
If it's a heated discussion, nobody's going to hear each other. So make sure you come back to it when you are calm and when you can really hear what the other person is saying without putting up your defenses. Remember, no blame or shame. Just focus on the facts of the situation and then how it impacted your feelings.
So in our scenario, you might say, "I need to feel like we're a team as we work together to care for our home." By clearly stating your needs, you give your partner a chance to respond in a way that meets those needs.
As an ongoing practice, try to clarify your needs during everyday interactions, not just during conflicts, to build a deeper understanding of each other's priorities.
So you might say, "could we work out a schedule where we both take turns with the dishes and other chores?"
It's really important to make sure that your request is specific and actionable, and that it's framed as a request rather than a demand. No demands. They don't work very well. Now, if it's just a single event, you can simply ask, "Hey, would you mind doing the dishes?" Easy, right? No big deal.
But if it's a recurring event, your request might be to create a long-term plan such as, "Hey, can we put together a dish schedule where we each have a turn?" That kind of thing.
Nice. Now let's do an activity. Think about a recent issue that you've encountered with your partner and practice making a clear and specific request that addresses the issue.
Remember to frame it as a question to invite collaboration as a couple. Experiment with making requests instead of demands in everyday situations to see how it positively affects your interactions.
The final step is to highlight the shared benefits of fulfilling the request. This helps your partner see how making the change will positively impact both of you.
For example, you might say "If we can both contribute equally, I think we'll feel more supported and less stressed, which will make our time together more enjoyable."
By focusing on the mutual benefits, you reinforce the idea that you're both on the same team.
Alright, so here's an activity. After making a request, take a moment to reflect on and articulate the shared benefits of fulfilling that request. Discuss these benefits with your partner to build motivation and commitment to the change.
Consider making it a regular practice to talk about the positive outcomes you're both experiencing after implementing a change, and that will reinforce the value of the process.
All right, so let's put it all together.
Here's a true story that really happened between Teresa and our son, just so you can hear what an A WINRS conversation might sound like from start to finish.
We're going to tell a story about something that happened with me and our son to show you that you can use this with your kids, you can use it in your marriage, and you can use it in the workplace. So it doesn't just have to be for couples.
It works in any relationship.
Okay. So first off, let me set up the situation. We were expecting company and our son and his family were over at our house. We knew that the company was gonna be there for dinner anytime. Well, the dog was outside and he started barking, wanting to come back in. Well, being super busy, I was trying to finish making dinner and get the table set before our guests arrived.
So I asked my son if he could please go out and bring in the dog and wash his feet because it had been raining. So it was a little bit muddy out there. So he did that and I really appreciated that. And, then I noticed muddy shoe prints from our son going all the way from the back door and up the stairs towards the bathroom.
It happened as he was going to wash the dog's feet, and it was so kind of him to wash the dog's feet and he was busy taking care of the dog that he didn't notice that he had mud on his own shoes and tracked it all across the floor, which was the very problem we were trying to avoid.
So if there was ever a time I needed to use an A WINRS conversation, it was now. I didn't want to argue with my son and I, in fact, I didn't have time to argue because company was coming. But I especially didn't want to offend him because I knew that his heart was right and he was helping me by bringing in the dog.
But at the same time, he tracked in the mud,
So, I began with appreciation. I said thank you so much for bringing in the dog and washing his feet. I really appreciate your help.
And then it was time to state the what. Which was the fact of concern.
And actually before I did that, as part of the appreciation piece, I added in a little bit of what I call grace.
In other words, instead of just jumping right to, "Hey, I noticed there's footprints all across the floor", I began with the appreciation, "Hey, thank you so much for helping me with the dog." But then the grace piece was like, "I know that this was an accident and it was unintentional, but. I'm noticing that there are muddy shoe prints all across the floor."
By adding that little bit of grace in there, it helps the other person know that I'm not blaming you. It's just that I noticed that this happened, even though I know it wasn't your fault. So, and that gives them the benefit of the doubt that they're doing their best.
Okay, so now it's time for me to share the impact of those facts.
And the impact was pretty strong because when you're expecting company any minute and you're still trying to get dinner done, and now there's muddy footprints on the, on the floor, you feel a little stressed. So, I had to take a deep breath and kind of relax and I said, "you know, I'm feeling a little frantic because our company will be here in five minutes or less and there's mud all over the floor." Very clear statement of feelings.
Nothing about, "Hey, why didn't you wipe your feet? Right? You know, that would've totally blamed him. It wouldn't have been appreciative for what he did, and it would've made him defensive. You know, it would make anybody defensive.
So always being careful not to step on his toes, I was like, "we need to have our floor clean before our company comes, and I'm feeling a little bit frustrated and so I need your help."
Alright, and so here's the request. I said, "I'm still finishing dinner. Could you please help me quickly wipe up the mud tracks before our company comes?"
It was that easy. I didn't have to use any finger pointing or any blaming. It was just, "Hey, could I have your help? I'm feeling stressed out."
Yeah. And will you please, is a great way to start a request.
Another way, a great way to start it is "would you consider please doing _______?".
And admittedly, there was a little bit of defensiveness when he said, "well, I did what you asked me to." And that's okay. That's kind of a natural reaction that people might have because it's so normal for us to be defensive. And so again, I reiterated, "oh no, I know you didn't mean to offend. I am so grateful." And I kind of started at the beginning and said, oh, "I know you didn't mean to do that. Of course, it was completely an accident, and I so appreciate your help with the dog. I'm just feeling . . ." And I went over through the feelings again and the request again, and it, it kind of calmed him down that second time to assure him that I'm wasn't blaming him, I was just desperate for some help. That wasn't anything personal. It was just dealing with the issue at hand.
All right, so now let's jump to the shared benefits.
Next I said, "Hey, that way we can all feel good about inviting our company into our clean house." And you know, he wanted the company to be impressed with our clean house or at least not to think we were slobs so, so it was a benefit probably more for me, but it was also a benefit for him 'cause he could see the value of wanting the place to look nice for company.
So there you have it. That is the A WINRS approach to Nonviolent Communication. By following these steps, you can create conversations that are not only effective, but also strengthen your connection with your partner and others.
Now we encourage you to try out the A WINRS approach regularly, whenever you need to make a request and you want to do it peacefully, which hopefully that's every time. Just remember, it's all about creating a space where both you and your partner feel heard, respected and supported, and where blame and shame are not in the conversation at all.
So to help make this a regular practice for you, consider scheduling a weekly or biweekly A WINRS session where you both take turns using this framework to discuss any concerns or plans. And as we mentioned before, as you're starting out and practicing, start with the really light stuff, like maybe where you squeeze the toothpaste or maybe how you put the toilet roll on the toilet paper holder.
Keep it the light stuff at first, and then you can work your way up to the more difficult things.
Well, thank you for joining us on this episode of I Thrive At Life. We hope you found these insights, activities, and the framework really helpful. Don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who could benefit from improving their communication skills.
Until next time, keep on thriving and remember - you've got this. Thanks for joining us.
Breaking Down A-W-I-N-R-S
So let's break down what A-W-I-N-R-S stands for. It's an acronym that guides you through the steps of a meaningful conversation. Here's what each letter represents.- A is for appreciation,
- W is for the what, which is something that you notice and are concerned about.
- I is for the impact of the what on your feelings.
- N is for the needs of the person making the request.
- R is for the actual request for what needs to change.
- S is the shared benefits to both partners of having the request fulfilled